10 Ways To Make Your Divorce Easier

Think back to when you got married. Remember the time spent educating yourself on everything from music to the nuances of flavorings for your wedding cake?

By the time you walked down the aisle, you had earned a doctorate-level education in wedding planning with a minor in honeymoon vacation travel.

Flash forward to the present and you're faced with the prospect that things didn't turn out exactly as you had planned for your life.

Approach this time in a similar fashion.  Search for the information and expertise to grow through this difficult season.

It won’t be easy but neither was working out that seating chart or finding the perfect bridesmaid dresses.

1.

Avoid Social Media

Your divorce will be easier if you avoid social media.

Typically, individuals who have a tendency to “speculatively imagine” all kinds of ugly scenarios after looking at Facebook, twitter, Instagram etc. have difficult divorces filled with conflict.

Remember, posts on social media are on the web forever. Comments made in the heat of anger are memorialized at a time when clearly, at that moment, you were not at your best.

Your online activity can have extreme consequences.  I've seen a careers negatively impacted as well as online activity used as evidence in court. Save yourself the pain of that ugly 4:00 am post being read in open court.

Avoid social media for an easier divorce.

2.

Focus on the Solution

Ever met one of those people that nothing seems to bother them?  They always see the glass as half full?  What this person has learned to do is create a habit of focusing on the positive more than the negative.

Our thoughts are powerful and what you focus on expands in your mind and gets bigger.  That said, if you choose to focus on problem solving and the positive aspects of each day you can “act your way into a feeling”.

Practice focusing on divorce as a business deal. Learn to separate the emotion from the business end of the decisions. Put more focus on the solutions and answers to challenges than simply giving attention to the problem. If you find yourself thinking negative thoughts try making a list of your top ten “grateful list”. Another trick to break negative thought patterns is a “mindful” exercise. Close your eyes and simply listen and smell and become aware of what is around you. Sounds silly but try it... it works!

I'm sure you've heard the expression “garbage in, garbage out”.  We are what we think about. This can be the key to helping make your divorce easier.  Fill your mind with good things.  During my divorce I was very careful about what I read, listened to, or watched on television.  In addition, I was careful about my speech.   I worked to not dive into that emotional pool.  A good motivational book, podcast, brisk walk, etc. are all good ideas to help you put the focus on the positive aspects of your day.  Learning to change your focus is a powerful way to make your divorce easier.

3.

Schedule All Activities and Tasks

Stressful times have the tendency to cause distraction. A good planner and a master “to do” list are essential for an easier divorce.

Recording all the tasks on a master to do list gets them out of your head, stops the nagging thoughts and leaves you feeling empowered to face each item, assigning a time for problem solving and completion of each task. Result; feeling in control of your life and ultimately making your divorce easier.

Scheduling specific tasks related to the divorce is so important. Time blocking an adequate amount of time to finish a task will empower you as move forward in the process.

Keep a small journal with you dedicated to the random “divorce thoughts” that creep into your mind throughout your day. Commit to note it in your journal and wait to for the scheduled time you allotted for this work.

Watch your conversation regarding the divorce. Do your best to keep divorce talk isolated to your scheduled time.

Scheduling events and activities as well as  controlling your thoughts and conversation is key to an easier divorce.

4.

Make Your Physical Health a Priority

Your physical health must be a priority for an easier divorce. Extensive research details the negative impact divorce can have on your physical health.

Make the decision to make staying physically fit a priority. Studies show people going through divorce can potentially develop “secondary insomnia”. Your lack of sleep can result in depression and lack of desire to eat right and exercise.

Pay attention to the messages your body is giving you and seek medical advice. A visit to your doctor would cure the sleep issue and you can work to make eating right and exercising a part of your daily regiment. 

During my divorce, there were days I put on my sneakers with the "Couch to 5K app" on my iPhone and ran in the snow. I never ran prior to my divorce but I decided to run a 5K and used this goal to motivate me. Today I have my finisher’s medal to prove it.

Taking care of your physical health is an important way to make your divorce easier.

5.

Make Informed Decisions

Don’t make any major decisions without the confidence you are making an informed decision. Sometimes we don’t know what we don’t know. Divorce impacts so many areas of your life so it is important to remember that bad decisions have potential to impact you for many years to come.

Being informed can save you money during the process as well as empower you for your decision-making. Take responsibility for getting the knowledge regarding your legal rights and options available – do your homework. For example, you can use an attorney to do your divorce or one of the many other available options for dispute resolution. Understand how professionals involved with your divorce bill for their services.

Be proactive; it will save you money in the long run.  For example, understand hourly billing rates of the professionals, request weekly progress updates and billing.  Perhaps you opt to use professionals for part of the divorce and a mediator to assist in the settlement.  It is important to be informed about the professionals you are engaging to be sure you have a good fit.  Do your homework prior to interviewing potential professionals.   Getting the information you need to make good decisions will make your divorce less painful.

6.

Think Long Term

If you want an easier divorce you must view your current situation with an eye towards the long-term consequences. All the decisions you make now will have long term consequences. Your financial stability, emotional health and your family relationships will all be impacted by today’s decisions.

Take care of yourself both physically and emotionally. Sleep, exercise, and seek counseling if needed.

Remember that short term gains have long term consequences. For example, if you use your children as a pawn in the game of divorce it may not work out well down the road when you want time with grandchildren.

Give thought to future interactions and events in the lives of your children that will include both of their parents.  Take steps to lay the groundwork now so your children don't suffer later.

As difficult as it is, use this season to make all attempts to create a better version of yourself as you come on the other side of divorce to the “new normal”.

Giving thought to the long-term consequences of your actions and decisions will make your divorce easier.

7.

Do the Math

A huge part of divorce is the business side… the numbers. Your divorce will be easier if you understand the finances and “divorce math”.

In my practice, I've seen situations where all parties have unrealistic expectations because they did not understand the true picture regarding the family finances or family owned business. Worse yet, is when bank accounts are drained paying professionals to litigate based on these unrealistic expectations. Your divorce will be easier in the short and long run by taking the time to educate yourself regarding the numbers side of your divorce.

One of the most important parts of the financial side of divorce is the filing of the financial affidavit.  This document is the mechanism that drives so many aspects of the divorce.  It is used in determination of interim and post-divorce alimony and child support as well as the distribution of the family assets and debt.

I've seen financial affidavits, signed under penalties of perjury, which clearly do not resemble the reality of the family lifestyle.  It's critical to understand how important this document is for your future. 

Educating yourself about the financial picture both during the marriage as well as plans for the future will make your divorce easier.

8.

Put Your Child's Needs First

Making your child's need a priority will make your divorce easier.  Studies show that parental conflict negatively impacts your children.

Your behavior during and after the divorce will have a huge impact on your children so it's critical to see things through your child’s eyes.

Keep in mind that your children did not ask for the divorce.

Work to control your emotions around your children and don't speak badly about their other parent.

Keep communication directly with your spouse – don't make your children messengers.

Avoid questioning your children about your spouse after visitation. Don't ask them who was right or wrong or to take sides. Especially, don't discuss details of the divorce with them.

You want to insulate your children from the divorce and put their needs first. Give them space to have their own emotions, get them counseling with a good counselor, reassure them that both parents love them, spend time with them and lastly keep an eye on their activities and grades to be sure they are operating at their best.

When I think of putting kid’s needs first I think of that story about the two women who went before the king both claiming to be the mother of a particular infant.  Neither would budge on their claim until the king found a way to identify the real mother… he suggested cutting the baby in two and giving each one half.  Ridiculous, right?  Well it sure did identify the true mother, the one who was willing to give up her child to save their life.  We need to be like that mother in divorce... willing to sacrifice our needs for the needs of our child.  To the extent you can do this it will make your divorce easier.

9.

Learn to Control of Your Emotions

You don't need to be controlled by your emotions. Statistically, divorce is second only to the death of a loved one in ranking of life stressors. Taking care of your emotional health is key to making your divorce easier. Find a good therapist specializing in counseling individuals going through divorce. Many find support groups helpful many during this time.

Don't use your attorney as your therapist. It will cost you much more than a therapist and it is not covered by insurance.

Divorce is stressful and you will have a myriad of emotions.  I found that during my divorce it helped to not listen to the love song station or go to the love story movies. 

Set your mind on finding what works for you to help you control your emotions.  It will work out best in the long run and make your divorce easier.

10.

Play by the Rules

The business of divorce has many rules that if broken can have big consequences. It is important to take personal responsibility to educate yourself about these rules to manage expectations. One important rule is that no one wins and the process takes much longer than expected. The divorce process typically creates conflict and has the potential to cost much more than you ever expected. The words used... adversary, advocate, judge… it is so important to learn the rules.

There are rules for court, rules for timing of document filing and rules about filling out documents.  There are rules regarding attorney services.  Although it can feel overwhelming at times educating oneself can make the process less painful.

For example, I have seen clients, in the emotion of the conflicts, spend thousands fighting over who would get to keep a television.  The court and the attorneys will let you fight... but they will also bill you for the time spent on the fight. 

Many times, the law does not make sense. Sometimes a “coin toss” works wonders and saves you a lot of money.  Educating yourself and learning to play by the rules will make your divorce less painful

Conclusion:

You Must Fly the Plane

An easier divorce is within your control but you must decide...

YOU must fly the plane!

So many times, in the midst of the chaos, overwhelm and the tremendous emotional challenges possible during divorce experienced during divorce forget they are in control of their life... they forget to fly the plane.  They proceed into a process they are uneducated about and without equipping themselves with information.  

I know you normally would not do this but right now things feel crazy and chaotic.  Please step back, regroup and know that as difficult as it is... you can do this!