Before You Start Your Divorce ...
You had a difficult time getting to sleep last night, right?. Trying to figure it all out... searching for the answer...
It wasn’t supposed to be like this! You did everything right... you're a hard worker, a great parent and own a nice home. You feel so unhappy... divorce must be the answer. Is it?
Making that decision is huge... after all these years?.. what should you do?
What you're feeling is normal.
There's no easy answer and so many questions. What will my future look like and how do I make it happen? Will my children be OK? How much will it cost? The list goes on and on.
Understanding how it works and how to move forward feels overwhelming.
It's not your fault...
Last I checked, they don't give courses in college about how to do a divorce. Truth is ...
"You don't know what you don't know".
It probably feels surreal some days.. how to find the right attorney? You hear the horror stories... a lifetime of savings gone.. a trial in a court of law... the possibility of having no control and a judge has the authority to force decisions on you that impact you and your children.
You thought courts were for people who broke the law.
Why is the future of your family, something so private... so intimate... handled in such a public way?
When a doctor is going to deliver upsetting news to a patient typically the patient and loved ones are respectfully taken to a private location where they can absorb and process the news... privately... honoring them in their vulnerable moment.
Think About This...
This is a BIG decision with a HUGE impact. Time to stop the crazy brain loop. Before you do anything... Understand these 3 foundational insights about divorce.
Get ready for a good night's sleep, friend.
Insight No.1
Divorce is a Process that Ends in a "Legal Event"
Think back...Remember those days when you were absorbed in all those details leading up to your “big event” ...Your wedding day.Remember that almost forgettable item on your to do list...Remember? You had to go to the county clerk’s office and apply for your wedding license. Had to have it to get married...number 84 on your to do list. squeezed between number 83...assigning someone to drop off the tuxedos after the wedding reception and number 85...confirming your ride to the airport to begin your honeymoon.
Legal Contract
Your situation, which has you feeling very vulnerable, is ultimately resolved by a court of law.. Here's why...remember that marriage license? Submitting your marriage license, the proof of your marriage, resulted in the issuance of your marriage certificate. Your marriage certificate had a legal impact. The marriage certificate is a government-issued document that not only proves you are married it creates a legal contract for your marriage. A legally binding contract between the parties to the contract... you, your spouse, and your children. Much in the same way business partners have rights, responsibilities and how long detailed in their contract; the same holds for the marriage contract. Your legal obligations under your marriage contract remain in effect until one party dies or the contract is dissolved.
It Could Be Easy
This is the point that could potentially save you thousands of dollars as well as reduce many of the negative impacts we associate with divorce.
The dissolution of your marriage contract, the actual piece that dissolves that original contract could be, from a legal standpoint, as easy to obtain as your original marriage license. The difference is in the details.
Requirements
When you went to get your marriage license/certificate you had to meet certain requirements to obtain the license. Age requirements, sometimes a waiting period, and your marriage ceremony performed by a person with the authority to perform the ceremony i.e. priest, rabbi or judge are some of the typical requirements. The same holds for dissolution of the contract… the laws require you to meet certain requirements. They are primarily concerned with the following:
- Residency
- Grounds for the divorce
- Resolution between the parties regarding the following:
- Division of marital property
- Support of the parties
- Parenting – custody, visitation, and child support
Another Contract
Once the minimum requirements detailed above are memorialized in an agreement signed by both spouses you have met the minimum requirements necessary to obtain a divorce. This legal document, your negotiated settlement agreement is then presented to a judge in the appropriate county who has the legal authority to dissolve the contract. They will approve the terms and issue a judgment of divorce which dissolves the original marriage contract and creates the new legal status of the parties… divorced.
Think Long Term
Simple, right? I get it… simple but not so easy when, at the same time you are going through the various emotional stages associated with the end of your marriage. But, and here is another point worth noting, to the extent you and your soon-to-be ex can find a way to agree on the issues the court is concerned with the sooner and most times less costly you can bring the divorce to a close. The challenge is the emotions of the process can complicate the process and negatively impact you and your family emotionally and financially. Which brings me to INSIGHT No. 2.
Insight No. 2
Divorce is a Business
What, Divorce is a business? Think back again to when you got married… there were all different ways to do it... from the simple and inexpensive, going to the court for a quick civil ceremony to hiring a wedding planner for the elaborate top-of-the-line wedding package costing tens of thousands or more
The same holds for divorce…options range from the do-it-yourself, least-expensive alternative to the full-blown litigated trial, possibly with appeals pushing costs many times into the hundreds of thousands of dollars.
In much the same way as when you planned your wedding… meeting with the various vendors involved in the big day... the flower vendor, the caterer, the photographer, etc. the same holds true for divorce. A different kind of services menu for planning your divorce process leading to the big day... the approval of your agreement and the issuance of the judgment for divorce. Your selection includes the following:
- Do it Yourself
- Mediation
- Arbitration
- Collaborative
- Litigated
- Combo and/or blended of all above
Learn What is best for your family
Each method come with a host of professionals ready and able to assist you... based on your individual needs. How you and your spouse decide to move forward and what option you choose is your decision. It is important to note each alternative comes with its own costs and benefits. This point brings me to INSIGHT NO. 3.
Insight No. 3
You Can Have Control Over Your Divorce
Typically, the biggest challenge described by my clients is a feeling of overwhelm and a sense of having no control over the process. Add to this the shock at how much their divorce is costing them and finally, a big concern about the sense that it feels like it will never end. Often, this happens because they did not pick the correct “menu offering” to move forward in the divorce process, one or both of the spouses were unable to manage their expectations, and most often, the occurrence of a “trigger event” that created an increase in conflict and litigation
You can have control over your divorce!
Doing your divorce smart from the start has so many benefits. Imagine how you will feel knowing you made good decisions for you and your family.
Spoiler alert...it won't be easy but it will be worth it!
Do you consider yourself a good communicator? Can you control your emotions?
If not, learn how to be...
Believe me, giving into an emotional "trigger" can cost you thousands of dollars that could have been used to jumpstart your future.
At the end of the divorce process information is provided to the judge, "the finder of fact".
To the extent you can communicate with your spouse, find a way to work together despite the emotional impact, gather information, address and document the requirements the law needs to approve the dissolution of your marriage contract the more you will have control over the process, in terms of the emotional and financial impact on you and your family and ultimately, the better equipped you will find yourself to move forward into your next season of life.
Be Careful How You Choose
I encourage you to find some space to find clarity for your decisions. I have seen too many broken families because of the process of divorce. What you don’t know that you don’t know is that if you are not careful the process has the potential to impact your life in ways you never imagined. Learn how to do your divorce smart from the start. You and your family are worth it!
